Wednesday, March 19, 2008

How It's Made: Anatomy of a Papi HR

I like a Discover Channel show called How It's Made. It shows how things are made. Since they don't often do episodes on the Red Sox, here's how a David Ortiz home run comes into our lives.

We start with Genesis:

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
And God said, Let there be Papi: and there was Papi.
And God saw the Papi, that it was good: and God divided the Papi from the darkness.

With Papi in the picture, we move far forward in time, to the 1970s or 1980s, when two people (most likely in America, Latin America, or Asia) fall deeply in love and have a baby boy. The boy will grow up to be a pitcher. Examples of pitchers include Johan Santana and Josh Fogg.

Our next stop is the forest, where we will need to find a tree with which to make a bat, to redirect the baseball into the stands. We find our ash tree on the top of a hill and cut it down, forging it into a bat shape using a common woodworking tools and sandpaper. We will also burn the name "David Ortiz" into the bat to ensure it is the one used in a home run.

Finally, we will need a baseball. For this, we will need a rubber ball and a machine to bind it tightly with white yarn. When this is done, we will need a cow to be eliminated, and its sweet hide wrapped around the taut ball. We will use the remainder of the cow to create a glove for the pitcher.

Once you have the necessary materials, all you need is a professional major league baseball park, of which there are 30 in North America. Locate the pitcher's mound, have the pitcher throw the ball, and this will be the result:

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