I refuse to believe this is real:
Along with vice president of [redacted] Rob Crawford, Remy was issued an oath of office by U.S. Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer.
The oath contained the following: "I, Jerry Remy, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of [redacted]. I pledge to be true to the game, true to our fans and, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and promote all that is great about the beloved sport of baseball and the Boston Red Sox."
Remember when they had a debate? Yeah, that was a sad day for us all—and by "us" I mean baseball fans everywhere. The only saving grace from that whole affair was the fact that Sam Horn had a dais all his own. I like Sam Horn a lot, if for no other reason than because he epitomizes the can-do spirit of America. Tough start to his career but then in a brilliant money-making scheme he outsourced himself to Taiwan! He then achieved great levels of fame by riding the coattails of an Internet message board all the way to a presidential bid. You must respect that. We map out his career trajectory thusly:
- Red Sox first round pick
- Fails as a Major League Baseball prospect
- Relocates to Taiwan where he becomes the highest paid player in the history of the Taiwan Major League
- Opens batting cages in East Greewaich, Rhode Island
- Popular Red Sox message board is named after him
- Hired to work alongside NESN studio host Tom Caron in what can only be described as an effort to add comic relief
- Says "ka-pow" a lot
- Runs for president of [redacted]
- Then, in what is clearly the highlight of his career, this ad gets placed in USA Today
- Loses election to Remy