Sunday, February 24, 2008

Recasting the Best Picture nominees

No Country for Old Men
Sheriff Ed Tom Bell: A laconic, soon-to-retire small-town sheriff.
Mike Timlin: The guy’s seen it all and he’s got four World Series rings to show for it. You’d like to see him ease his way into retirement but then you’re in the ALCS and the Indians have two runners on with nobody out and the elderly righty gets the call to pick up the slack for his struggling partners.

Llewelyn Moss: A man who flees with $2 million in drug money he finds in the desert.
Craig Hansen: Young man got his $1.3 million signing bonus and while he did not flee he’s hardly been heard from since.

Anton Chigurh: An assassin hired to recover the drug money.
Jonathan Papelbon: Probably more nuts that Chigurh. Thankfully he just breaks batters' spirits rather than their skulls. Although he has not been asked to recover Hansen’s signing bonus he has filled the closer role originally slated for Hansen rather adequately.

There Will Be Blood

Daniel Plainview: An obsessive loner who hits it big in California's turn-of-the-20th-century oil rush.
J.D. Drew: He’s a loner and five years, $70 million = striking oil.

Eli Sunday: A charismatic evangelical preacher and faith healer.
David Ortiz: A charismatic evangelical preacher and faith healer.

Michael Clayton

Arthur Edens: An eccentric and brilliant lawyer who suffers a mental/existential breakdown.
Manny Ramirez: An eccentric and brilliant hitter who is due for another "episode" in which he demands a trade.

Michael Clayton: The fixer.
Scott Boras: Scary thought, eh?


Juno MacGuff: A pregnant teen.
Bartolo Colon: Yeah, I said it.

Paul Bleeker: Michael Cera
Nobody replaces Michael Cera.

No, they'd have trouble with the accents and there's nothing I hate more than bad British accents. I'm looking at you, Costner.

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