I (Bryan) have temporarily moved blog operations over here, but if this was the end, this blog was fun for the good times.
UPDATE: On second thought, about 5 minutes later, I might keep this as my sports outlet, keep the new one as a literary jackoff blog, and run them all through my eponymous site. I like it. Once everything was out my system, it felt better.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Sabbatical
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Reprinted for your enjoyment
2006's Lebowski Tennis:
BAG: nor did I say Webber was in the top 60. I just wanted to discuss him. Ply likes to argue, this much is clear.
Ply: Louis, you can read this if you won't respond: Miller averaged 18.2 ppg for 18 seasons; for the same reason I'm not ready to punch C-Webb's ticket after 11 with 23 and 10, I am ready to punch Miller's ticket now... Ben, Ply loves to argue. It all derives from a simple equation: Bryan + coffee = Ply.
BAG: I understood what Louis meant.
Ply: This aggression will not stand, Ben.
BAG: The bums will always lose, Ply.
That's just, like, your opinion, man.
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128 comments:
At least I'm housebroken.
Why is everything such a travesty with you?
You're not wrong Ply. You're just an asshole.
I don't like your jerk-off name, I don't like your jerk-off face, I don't like your jerk-off behavior and I don't like you, jerk-off.
Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling.
I don't roll on Shabbos.
Fucking fascist!
Say what you want about the tenets of national socialism. At least it's an ethos.
What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin' care! It don't matter to Jesus.
Look man... new shit has come to light... and you're not privy to all the new shit, man. Has it ever occurred to you that there are larger forces at work here, man?
Shut the fuck up, Donny.
How about I take the money you have on you, and we call it even?
Did you ever hear of "The Seattle Seven"?
Do you speak English sir? Parle usted Ingles?
Obviously you're not a golfer.
That must be exhausting.
You mean coitus?
I dig your style, Dude. But do you have to use so many curse words?
I fuck you in the ass, I fuck you in the ass, I fuck you, I fuck you, I fuck you...
People forget that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone.
Well, I still jerk off manually.
Get out of my fucking cab.
Brandt can't watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred.
With one hundred thousand dollars you could buy any number of rugs that don't have sentimental value to me.
I'm just gonna find a cash machine.
I was wondering if you could pay me in cash. My only concern - and I have to check with my accountant - is that this might bump me into a higher tax bracket.
If you already have the check made out, that's cool.
It's down there somewhere, let me have another look.
Do you, like, have any promising leads?
This is a complicated case, Maude. A lot of ins, a lot of outs, a lot of what-have-yous, a lot of strands to keep in my head, man.
For your information, the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint.
That had not occurred to us, Dude.
We're not the only morons here.
Were you listening to The Dude's story, Donny?
Yeah, but I wasn't over. Mark it 8, dude.
Could you please keep your voices down--this is a family restaurant.
Vagina.
OVER THE LINE!
What did you think this was about, sex?
You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up.
Who's the nihilist now?
Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey.
What are you, a fucking park ranger?
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
I am the walrus?
No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old.
My "wife" is not the issue here.
So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?
It's like Lenin said.
Racially he's pretty cool?
Oh no, he has health problems.
You mean... beyond pacifism?
He treats objects like women.
When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast.
Some burgers, some beers, a few laughs...
Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.
(ahem) You didn't go to college.
What in God's holy name are you blathering about?
V.I. Lenin! Vladimir Ilyich Ulianov!
I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter.
Wu peed on my rug.
Ah hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We're all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.
Stay the fuck away from my fucking lady friend, man!
She's got to feed the monkey, I mean uh... hasn't that ever occurred to you? Sir?
My thinking on this matter was so uptight!
Dude, are you fucking this up?
I'll suck you cock for $1000
Far out, man.
Where's the fucking money, shithead?
From the looks of it, he already spent it.
What's in the fuckin' carrier?
Knox Harrington, the video artist.
No, Donny, these men are nihilists.
You don't know shit, Lebowski.
Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not "Mr. Lebowski". You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.
Dude, today's already the 10th.
I'm sorry your stepmother is a nympho.
She just came over to use the shower.
Mmm, sure. That and a pair of testicles.
I got a rash, man.
Oh, Jesus, what's that smell, man?
My "rod," or... "Johnson."
Walter, they're calling the cops, put the piece away.
You didn't think I was rolling out of here naked, did you?
What... like an Irish monk?
I'm a brother shamus, like you!
Okay sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's terrific, I'm very busy so what can I do for you?
I finally got my venue for my performance, I was wondering if you would come by.
The Beaver Picture?
"The Port Huron Statement." I was the author of the original, not the compromised second draft.
Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums lost.
I'm staying. I'm finishing my coffee. Enjoying my coffee.
Jesus, you mix a hell of a Caucasian, Jackie.
You got any of that good sasparilla?
Hey, nice marmot!
It has fucking papers. You can't board it on an airplane, it sheds.
The chinaman is not the issue here, dude.
Well. I guess we can close the books on that one.
To tell you the truth, Brandt, I don't remember most of it.
Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax...
Shit yea, the achievers.
Jeez, Walter, I'm not talking about the guys who built the fucking railroad here.
They released one album, in the mid-80s.
Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!
Well, I can see somebody doesn't want to be cheered up. Donny, let's get a lane.
Strong men also cry... Strong men also cry.
Who's in charge of scheduling?
The man in the black pajamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary.
I'm the guy who's going to kick your phony goldbricking ass.
Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even fucking Jewish, man.
This is about drawing a line in the sand, saying that beyond this point YOU DO NOT... and Dude, that's not the accepted nomenclature, Asian-American, plase.
What is that, yoga?
You're killing your father, Larry.
Isn't that what makes a man?
I'll stick that piece right up your ass and pull the trigger until it goes click.
Are these the Nazis, Walter?
The carpet-pissers did this?
That was me... and six other guys.
Come alone. No funny stuff.
I told that Kraut a fuckin' thousand times, I don't roll on shabbos!
No, like I said, Wu peed on my rug.
The rug was in the car?
It is our most modestly priced receptacle.
Probably a vagrant slept in the car. Or maybe just used it as a toilet and moved on.
Fuck it. Life goes on, man.
That's right, Dude. 100% certain.
Well, the Dude abides.
The Dude abides. I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there, the Dude, takin' her easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes The finals. Welp, that about does her, wraps her all up. Things seem to've worked out pretty good for the Dude'n Walter, and it was a purt good story, dontcha think? Made me laugh to beat the band. Parts, anyway. Course--I didn't like seein' Donny go. But then, happen to know that there's a little Lebowski on the way. I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' it-self, down through the generations, westward the wagons, across the sands a time until-- aw, look at me, I'm ramblin' again. Wal, uh hope you folks enjoyed yourselves.