Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Sabbatical

I (Bryan) have temporarily moved blog operations over here, but if this was the end, this blog was fun for the good times.

UPDATE: On second thought, about 5 minutes later, I might keep this as my sports outlet, keep the new one as a literary jackoff blog, and run them all through my eponymous site. I like it. Once everything was out my system, it felt better.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Reprinted for your enjoyment

2006's Lebowski Tennis:

BAG: nor did I say Webber was in the top 60. I just wanted to discuss him. Ply likes to argue, this much is clear.

Ply: Louis, you can read this if you won't respond: Miller averaged 18.2 ppg for 18 seasons; for the same reason I'm not ready to punch C-Webb's ticket after 11 with 23 and 10, I am ready to punch Miller's ticket now... Ben, Ply loves to argue. It all derives from a simple equation: Bryan + coffee = Ply.

BAG: I understood what Louis meant.

Ply: This aggression will not stand, Ben.

BAG: The bums will always lose, Ply.


That's just, like, your opinion, man.

128 comments:

Ben said...

At least I'm housebroken.

Bryan said...

Why is everything such a travesty with you?

Ben said...

You're not wrong Ply. You're just an asshole.

Bryan said...

I don't like your jerk-off name, I don't like your jerk-off face, I don't like your jerk-off behavior and I don't like you, jerk-off.

Ben said...

Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling.

Bryan said...

I don't roll on Shabbos.

Ben said...

Fucking fascist!

Bryan said...

Say what you want about the tenets of national socialism. At least it's an ethos.

Ben said...

What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin' care! It don't matter to Jesus.

Bryan said...

Look man... new shit has come to light... and you're not privy to all the new shit, man. Has it ever occurred to you that there are larger forces at work here, man?

Ben said...

Shut the fuck up, Donny.

Bryan said...

How about I take the money you have on you, and we call it even?

Ben said...

Did you ever hear of "The Seattle Seven"?

Bryan said...

Do you speak English sir? Parle usted Ingles?

Ben said...

Obviously you're not a golfer.

Bryan said...

That must be exhausting.

Ben said...

You mean coitus?

Bryan said...

I dig your style, Dude. But do you have to use so many curse words?

Ben said...

I fuck you in the ass, I fuck you in the ass, I fuck you, I fuck you, I fuck you...

Bryan said...

People forget that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone.

Ben said...

Well, I still jerk off manually.

Bryan said...

Get out of my fucking cab.

Ben said...

Brandt can't watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred.

Bryan said...

With one hundred thousand dollars you could buy any number of rugs that don't have sentimental value to me.

Ben said...

I'm just gonna find a cash machine.

Bryan said...

I was wondering if you could pay me in cash. My only concern - and I have to check with my accountant - is that this might bump me into a higher tax bracket.

Bryan said...

If you already have the check made out, that's cool.

Ben said...

It's down there somewhere, let me have another look.

Bryan said...

Do you, like, have any promising leads?

Ben said...

This is a complicated case, Maude. A lot of ins, a lot of outs, a lot of what-have-yous, a lot of strands to keep in my head, man.

Bryan said...

For your information, the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint.

Ben said...

That had not occurred to us, Dude.

Bryan said...

We're not the only morons here.

Ben said...

Were you listening to The Dude's story, Donny?

Bryan said...

Yeah, but I wasn't over. Mark it 8, dude.

Ben said...

Could you please keep your voices down--this is a family restaurant.

Bryan said...

Vagina.

Ben said...

OVER THE LINE!

Bryan said...

What did you think this was about, sex?

Ben said...

You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up.

Bryan said...

Who's the nihilist now?

Ben said...

Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey.

Bryan said...

What are you, a fucking park ranger?

Ben said...

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Bryan said...

I am the walrus?

Ben said...

No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old.

Bryan said...

My "wife" is not the issue here.

Ben said...

So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?

Bryan said...

It's like Lenin said.

Ben said...

Racially he's pretty cool?

Bryan said...

Oh no, he has health problems.

Ben said...

You mean... beyond pacifism?

Bryan said...

He treats objects like women.

Ben said...

When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast.

Bryan said...

Some burgers, some beers, a few laughs...

Ben said...

Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.

Bryan said...

(ahem) You didn't go to college.

Ben said...

What in God's holy name are you blathering about?

Bryan said...

V.I. Lenin! Vladimir Ilyich Ulianov!

Ben said...

I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter.

Bryan said...

Wu peed on my rug.

Ben said...

Ah hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We're all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.

Bryan said...

Stay the fuck away from my fucking lady friend, man!

Ben said...

She's got to feed the monkey, I mean uh... hasn't that ever occurred to you? Sir?

Bryan said...

My thinking on this matter was so uptight!

Ben said...

Dude, are you fucking this up?

sojo said...

I'll suck you cock for $1000

Bryan said...

Far out, man.

Ben said...

Where's the fucking money, shithead?

Bryan said...

From the looks of it, he already spent it.

Ben said...

What's in the fuckin' carrier?

Bryan said...

Knox Harrington, the video artist.

Ben said...

No, Donny, these men are nihilists.

Bryan said...

You don't know shit, Lebowski.

Ben said...

Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not "Mr. Lebowski". You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

Bryan said...

Dude, today's already the 10th.

Ben said...

I'm sorry your stepmother is a nympho.

Bryan said...

She just came over to use the shower.

Ben said...

Mmm, sure. That and a pair of testicles.

Bryan said...

I got a rash, man.

Ben said...

Oh, Jesus, what's that smell, man?

Bryan said...

My "rod," or... "Johnson."

Ben said...

Walter, they're calling the cops, put the piece away.

Bryan said...

You didn't think I was rolling out of here naked, did you?

Ben said...

What... like an Irish monk?

Bryan said...

I'm a brother shamus, like you!

Ben said...

Okay sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's terrific, I'm very busy so what can I do for you?

Bryan said...

I finally got my venue for my performance, I was wondering if you would come by.

Ben said...

The Beaver Picture?

Bryan said...

"The Port Huron Statement." I was the author of the original, not the compromised second draft.

Ben said...

Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums lost.

Bryan said...

I'm staying. I'm finishing my coffee. Enjoying my coffee.

Ben said...

Jesus, you mix a hell of a Caucasian, Jackie.

Bryan said...

You got any of that good sasparilla?

Ben said...

Hey, nice marmot!

Bryan said...

It has fucking papers. You can't board it on an airplane, it sheds.

Ben said...

The chinaman is not the issue here, dude.

Ben said...

Well. I guess we can close the books on that one.

Bryan said...

To tell you the truth, Brandt, I don't remember most of it.

Ben said...

Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax...

Bryan said...

Shit yea, the achievers.

Ben said...

Jeez, Walter, I'm not talking about the guys who built the fucking railroad here.

Bryan said...

They released one album, in the mid-80s.

Ben said...

Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!

Bryan said...

Well, I can see somebody doesn't want to be cheered up. Donny, let's get a lane.

Ben said...

Strong men also cry... Strong men also cry.

Bryan said...

Who's in charge of scheduling?

Ben said...

The man in the black pajamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary.

Bryan said...

I'm the guy who's going to kick your phony goldbricking ass.

Ben said...

Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even fucking Jewish, man.

Bryan said...

This is about drawing a line in the sand, saying that beyond this point YOU DO NOT... and Dude, that's not the accepted nomenclature, Asian-American, plase.

Ben said...

What is that, yoga?

Bryan said...

You're killing your father, Larry.

Ben said...

Isn't that what makes a man?

Bryan said...

I'll stick that piece right up your ass and pull the trigger until it goes click.

Ben said...

Are these the Nazis, Walter?

Bryan said...

The carpet-pissers did this?

Ben said...

That was me... and six other guys.

Bryan said...

Come alone. No funny stuff.

Ben said...

I told that Kraut a fuckin' thousand times, I don't roll on shabbos!

Bryan said...

No, like I said, Wu peed on my rug.

Ben said...

The rug was in the car?

Bryan said...

It is our most modestly priced receptacle.

Ben said...

Probably a vagrant slept in the car. Or maybe just used it as a toilet and moved on.

Bryan said...

Fuck it. Life goes on, man.

Ben said...

That's right, Dude. 100% certain.

Bryan said...

Well, the Dude abides.

The Stanger said...

The Dude abides. I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there, the Dude, takin' her easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes The finals. Welp, that about does her, wraps her all up. Things seem to've worked out pretty good for the Dude'n Walter, and it was a purt good story, dontcha think? Made me laugh to beat the band. Parts, anyway. Course--I didn't like seein' Donny go. But then, happen to know that there's a little Lebowski on the way. I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' it-self, down through the generations, westward the wagons, across the sands a time until-- aw, look at me, I'm ramblin' again. Wal, uh hope you folks enjoyed yourselves.